Whose life am I living: Part 2

Author: Kanmaniselvan

With the resolve that I’m going to be who I am the day went on quite fine and I found my mom preparing dinner. I found myself moved to tears, but not from the emotions, but from the onions my mother was chopping. Me from the past would’ve yelled at my mom for making me teary eyed but the new I didn’t do that. I didn’t speak a word and even went on to help her. Mom was surprised and soon she started opening up about the things happening in the household. She was genuinely happy, and soon I was teary eyed again, but this time from the emotions welled up inside me. During dinner, I appreciated mom for the delicious dishes she had put up. This made her really happy. See what a good word could do to people!

Soon it was TV time and mom took control of the TV to watch her soaps. I asked her, “Doesn’t this seem boring to you? Always family fight, tears. Ma, please change the channel”. My mom looked at me and asked, “All day, you keep doing something with your phone.Do I ask anything?” I remained silent and decided never to interfere again. I kept watching the serial and even started to enjoy it. The next day I decided to break my home routine (Eat, sleep, TV and Repeat). I’m from an agricultural background and have farm lands and I decided to take a lonely walk, bare footed.I considered myself as the Christopher McCandless of “Into the Wild” movie. The movie’s plot is about a guy from a prestigious family who feels that everything was unreal to his heart. He quits everything and sets out on an adventurous trip to Alaska. I took a stick in hand and started to walk and the farms looked so beautiful, filled with peace.I listened to the crows, squirrels, frogs and observed their activities. I was completely lost in it. On that night, I slept in the open terrace watching, counting the stars up in the sky and admiring the beauty of the Moon. I felt my body and mind at peace.

The rest of my holidays were spent like this with my mind longing to discover the adventure and joy in everything. For me adventure is not just in tying a rope to my legs and jumping upside down from a Cliff, but it’s in trying new and different things. Like doing something new in our daily routine, like trying out a new chocolate or taking a new route to the office or buying and experiencing new stuffs. I believe this is the thought that keeps me alive and thrilled. Here’s one of my recent adventures – One Sunday morning, I went out to the beach using public transport. I bought the one-day pass which allows me to travel in any public vehicle all through the day. But I decided to take rest and head home. When I reached my bus stop I realized the pass I had was free for the entire day and anyone can use it (name won’t be written on it). I set a task for myself to find a stranger and give the pass so someone can use it. I got near to people waiting at the stop and thought of asking around if anyone would need the pass but I couldn’t. I was afraid about how they’d react. Even though I never gave the pass to anyone the act was very thrilling.

One of my friends, shared a video.

He also mentioned a fantastic line in that video, “It’s always better to regret something after doing it rather than regretting without doing it, because by doing something, even if you don’t gain anything, you will gain experience”.

                Life doesn’t run like a pre-programmed machine. You can’t expect what is next. We all run behind something, whether its money or pride or happiness or pleasure, we all try to preserve it for the future and forget to live in the present moment. In the far distant future, when you turn back and see, you would really see yourself as a race horse trained to run in a pre-determined track. And the scary thing is, you wouldn’t know who you are and what you did for most of your life. You might be a successful person, but you  wouldn’t have lived your own life. So stop running behind something, start enjoying and admiring the things around you. Never allow anyone to determine other than you. We all live with some kind of shortcomings; it can be physical or mental. Love to live with it. I learnt this and it taught me how beautiful life is and how gifted we are. Like Stephen Hawking said, ‘Where there is life, there is hope’. With that hope, stay strong and Invincible. And finally, Find your freedom and Live your life.

Whose life am I living: Part 1

 Author: Kanmaniselvan

It had been a long time since I went home. I took four days off from work and reached home. The usual ‘home’ routine followed. Eating, watching TV, sleeping all the time.  One morning I woke up at 6am (a very rare occurrence). I was bored and decided to code. I had almost typed sixty lines of the code. My computer was warning low battery. I said to myself, ‘Just few more minutes, I will commit the changes’. (This is how we permanently save the code in the remote server). I was too lazy to plug in the charger. Few seconds later, Blink! Computer shuts down. The four inch smile in my face shortened down to a two inch anger. Hoping that the code was auto saved, I stood up and plugged in the charger. After switching it on, I had to face the fact that all the sixty lines of the code that I wrote was not saved. That was it. I lost my temper. One more minute in front of the computer would make me go crazy, I realized. I slammed my computer to sleep and went up to the terrace. The sun was golden, rising slowly and was taking cover behind the trees. That was a marvellous sight. I went down, grabbed my phone and took a picture of it.

The Sunrise, from where it all started!
The Sunrise, from where it all started!

I sat there for a while. For no reason I remembered all the events that happened in my childhood and the silly fights I had with my brother and all the memories were sweet. One of them was at a time when we were at school . We used to do household chores then. I used to command him and he used to follow. I used to scold him, if he hadn’t completed the work.  During those times, my brother hated me. The thing is, I face the same situation with my dad. He used to scold me most of the time (even now) for silly things. The worst part is when I ride my bike with him at the pillion. Even now, he would hit me when I don’t drive perfect like a autonomous google car. My brother hated me the same way like which I hated my dad. I was playing dad to my brother. I realised I was the same as my father. I pondered on this for a while. I came down as the sun started to glow furiously and switched on my computer. I knew I wouldn’t be able to write the code since I was preoccupied with so many thoughts. I shut down my computer. I began to think, ‘Am I really a clone of my dad. Does all my actions and behaviour resemble him?’ Finally I found the answer, ‘Yes’. This question lead me to think, ‘Am I living my own life? Or who’s life am I living?’ These kind of thoughts were going around my mind. Few days back, I saw a movie, ‘Amazing Spiderman -2’. There was a speech by Gwen Stacy that I loved.

“We all think we are immortal, we’re supposed to feel that way, What makes life valuable is that it doesn’t last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don’t waste it living someone else’s life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?”

I started my computer to see the speech again. This time it looked even fierier and it felt like a battle speech. Then I realised that most of the time we tend to fake our lives, we always tend to act like we are better than what we actually are. We always portray a better version of ourselves, well-educated and well-cultured, hiding our true nature. One reason could be that people are not ready to accept the truth and our original being. That’s it, I’m no more going to be the ‘Fake it’ kind of guy. That moment was changing point of my life. I promised myself. I might be courageous or coward, active or lazy, or whatever it may be, let me be myself. I’m not going to care what people think of me. If you think this is rude, let me put it in another way. People have the right to think about me but I care less about that. I promised myself, ‘People may change, times may get hard, situations can be terrible, things may turn terrible and life may turn really bad. I won’t change. People may love, hate or screw me, I’ll be what I am’.

I started to see life different than before I did and notice every tiny thing around me. I realized how lucky we are. With the parent’s gift, we are living a wonderful life with sophisticated technologies. We are so fortunate that we are not born during World War or Ice Age. Importantly, we are humans, who are the most talented species of the Universe. Let us enjoy our every moment to the fullest. Never hesitate for being yourself. Once this thought added vigour to my fire, I set to experiment real joy, love, adventure and thrill. Every day should be exciting, memorable and enjoyable. Never miss a moment. I’m going to share some of my experiences from the new way of life that I have discovered (rest of the content, continued in part 2).