Whose life am I living: Part 1

 Author: Kanmaniselvan

It had been a long time since I went home. I took four days off from work and reached home. The usual ‘home’ routine followed. Eating, watching TV, sleeping all the time.  One morning I woke up at 6am (a very rare occurrence). I was bored and decided to code. I had almost typed sixty lines of the code. My computer was warning low battery. I said to myself, ‘Just few more minutes, I will commit the changes’. (This is how we permanently save the code in the remote server). I was too lazy to plug in the charger. Few seconds later, Blink! Computer shuts down. The four inch smile in my face shortened down to a two inch anger. Hoping that the code was auto saved, I stood up and plugged in the charger. After switching it on, I had to face the fact that all the sixty lines of the code that I wrote was not saved. That was it. I lost my temper. One more minute in front of the computer would make me go crazy, I realized. I slammed my computer to sleep and went up to the terrace. The sun was golden, rising slowly and was taking cover behind the trees. That was a marvellous sight. I went down, grabbed my phone and took a picture of it.

The Sunrise, from where it all started!
The Sunrise, from where it all started!

I sat there for a while. For no reason I remembered all the events that happened in my childhood and the silly fights I had with my brother and all the memories were sweet. One of them was at a time when we were at school . We used to do household chores then. I used to command him and he used to follow. I used to scold him, if he hadn’t completed the work.  During those times, my brother hated me. The thing is, I face the same situation with my dad. He used to scold me most of the time (even now) for silly things. The worst part is when I ride my bike with him at the pillion. Even now, he would hit me when I don’t drive perfect like a autonomous google car. My brother hated me the same way like which I hated my dad. I was playing dad to my brother. I realised I was the same as my father. I pondered on this for a while. I came down as the sun started to glow furiously and switched on my computer. I knew I wouldn’t be able to write the code since I was preoccupied with so many thoughts. I shut down my computer. I began to think, ‘Am I really a clone of my dad. Does all my actions and behaviour resemble him?’ Finally I found the answer, ‘Yes’. This question lead me to think, ‘Am I living my own life? Or who’s life am I living?’ These kind of thoughts were going around my mind. Few days back, I saw a movie, ‘Amazing Spiderman -2’. There was a speech by Gwen Stacy that I loved.

“We all think we are immortal, we’re supposed to feel that way, What makes life valuable is that it doesn’t last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don’t waste it living someone else’s life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?”

I started my computer to see the speech again. This time it looked even fierier and it felt like a battle speech. Then I realised that most of the time we tend to fake our lives, we always tend to act like we are better than what we actually are. We always portray a better version of ourselves, well-educated and well-cultured, hiding our true nature. One reason could be that people are not ready to accept the truth and our original being. That’s it, I’m no more going to be the ‘Fake it’ kind of guy. That moment was changing point of my life. I promised myself. I might be courageous or coward, active or lazy, or whatever it may be, let me be myself. I’m not going to care what people think of me. If you think this is rude, let me put it in another way. People have the right to think about me but I care less about that. I promised myself, ‘People may change, times may get hard, situations can be terrible, things may turn terrible and life may turn really bad. I won’t change. People may love, hate or screw me, I’ll be what I am’.

I started to see life different than before I did and notice every tiny thing around me. I realized how lucky we are. With the parent’s gift, we are living a wonderful life with sophisticated technologies. We are so fortunate that we are not born during World War or Ice Age. Importantly, we are humans, who are the most talented species of the Universe. Let us enjoy our every moment to the fullest. Never hesitate for being yourself. Once this thought added vigour to my fire, I set to experiment real joy, love, adventure and thrill. Every day should be exciting, memorable and enjoyable. Never miss a moment. I’m going to share some of my experiences from the new way of life that I have discovered (rest of the content, continued in part 2).

8 thoughts on “Whose life am I living: Part 1”

  1. Interesting points, but very subjective feelings. I loved the the way you articulated few of your thoughts.

    What I can see as contradicting is what you pointing as inspirational quote says you have to fight for what matters to you and make a better way to live. So your whole point of “I wont change” should be tweaked for the negativism around you. You should always make sure you change for the positive or betterment. Though, I know its hard to improve which is already perfect 😉

    We can have some spiritual talk on this point on next KKS, where Vinod and Bala can share some wisdom.

  2. Nicely articulated and well written. I enjoyed reading your experience.

    Great to see that u have changed for the betterment of urself. Great to see that you are thinking, analyzing and pushed yourself to change. But the fact that you feel that you will not change yourself from now on is an irony by itself. Change is permanent. This is not just a quote but has real meaning. Good or bad what makes our lives interesting and challenging is the change. This is a topic which I really love and I spare more thoughts for some other day.

    Look forward to read your second part.

  3. Thank you Jack, Venki, Umesh, Anant & Karan.

    @Umesh and @Karan, I understand Change is the one that never changes. Sorry, I think i have put it in a wrong context there. I’m always ready to accept the change because when there a change, there will be an adventure.

    What i actually meant: Every person has their own uniqueness of character / behavior /individuality. That describes and identifies them whom they are. That uniqueness can change but it shouldn’t overwritten by some other. If that was overwritten, then your own individuality will lost. This is what i actually should be mentioning.

    You will see lot of changes in me in the second part. 🙂

  4. Loved reading it.

    “Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?”

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